Tuesday, 6th of November 2012
Yesterday Zadkiel after returning home from work had a lovely dinner with Sarah and her son, Daniel.
She had cooked a dish with smoked pork that they prepare in her homeland...Zadkiel was very happy but at the back of his mind he had some things that were bothering him...
The situation with his parents never seem to be good for more than a few days.
It bothers him a lot that his mother hasn't come to see how Sarah was the past days....nothing at all...and let me inform you my dear reader that Sarah is pregnant with the first son of Zadkiel.
He just can't understand the attitude of his parents...especially his mother...
Sometimes she is very mean...maybe because she lost both her parents in the past 2 years but is that an excuse? Is that ever an excuse to be mean? I don't believe that there is any excuse, ever, for someone to be mean to another person. But that's just Zadkiel...that's the way he is and he can't be any different.
So, as I was saying, Zadkiel yesterday was troubled...and he decided that he wouldn't go to see his parents that day, so that maybe this would make them to come and see him and Sarah.
And Zadkiel was waiting...and the minutes turned into hours...and nothing...no one came...
You can't really change the way people are...you can always try to show them something better...but you can't really make that change happen for them....
This morning Zadkiel went to his mother to say a good morning...and once again he faced his mother having a sour face and another round of complains about Sarah...about how this can't go on...about how we should have a talk after she gives birth...and all this time his mother never for one second thought that she is causing this reactions to Sarah and not the other way round.
Another day for Zadkiel has started...another day of being stressed...
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
A Story of a Lifetime - part 1
Hello everybody..I want to just start by saying a few things about me and what this is all about.
I would refer to myself from now on as Zadkiel..I like it and it fits the way I see myself...my true self.
Zadkiel is a 34 year old man. Well educated, with a Masters Degree in Information Systems from an accredited US university and a very promising future ahead of him.
Zadkiel was always very peculiar and in many ways he didn't fit with the extravagant, noisy, superficial people of his society. He always had more in his mind...he always felt connected to something Higher than himself.
The older of two children in his family, Zadkiel grew together with two loving but also harsh parents, grandparents, uncles and even great grandparents for the most part of his life.
Him and his brother were very much loved by everybody. But also everybody made sure that Zadkiel knew that he was loved the most...because he was the first. Just a note here to the readers of this blog...Zadkiel was very beautiful when he was born. White-Blond hair, hazel to green eyes, white skin...the picture of an angel fallen from heaven to the arms of his earthly mother.
Zadkiel remembered always that his mother was telling him that when she first hold him in her arms she called him "Star"...this always made great impression on him...made him feel special.
It was until much much later, at a different space and time in his life, that he found out that when his aunt saw him for the first time her first thought was that this child was not of this earth. But that's another story I guess that it's up to the Great Intelligence to judge if it will choose to unfold or not.
So, Zadkiel was very much loved and he loved back everybody he knew.
He always had a sense of Faith and Divinity that nobody could explain and he couldn't explain himself.
He just knew that it was there and he was happy about it.
What a double edged sword that proved to be...a blessing and a curse in countless occasions.
Zadkiel was like a beacon of light for the people around him...he had this gift to listen..really listen and be able to make people forgive and forget. He had the ability to make people feel better. He could make them open up. Take their loads away and carry a little bit of that load inside him until he was able to forget himself.
Years passed. Elementary school was a happy happy time. Zadkiel wasn't really fond of studying but he had an instinct for things. Elementary was good times for him.
Then Junior High came along. Zadkiel found it difficult to adjust at first because you know...he didn't like to study! Don't misjudge him...he LOVED knowledge. He was all about knowledge...just not the kind of knowledge they give to school. Zadkiel was peculiar even in this. He never liked anything without meaning or purpose. He never liked doing something just for the sake of doing it. Kind like the old Spartans I guess...few words but with meaning.
In Junior High Zadkiel was the eccentric child of the class...that eccentric child that everybody loves and hates at the same time. His fellow students would come to him to advice them about their dreams...to talk about anything..philosophy..the nature of things but not according to books but according to how Zadkiel perceived them. The teachers were interested in him and nobody seemed to be able to blame him for anything. He brought Light into their hearts, even though they didn't realize how this was done. It doesn't matter really...all that matters is the effect, not the cause.
So, after three years, Zadkiel finishes Junior High and finds him facing High School with much greater abilities than what he had three years before.
Now, you have to realize that Zadkiel was just "saving his energy" as he liked to call it for the "real" studying that High School presented for him. And so he did.
Zadkiel from an average student became one of the best. With real knowledge that came from very long hours of studying and understanding of what he was really studying. It helped also that he had a goal...a big one...he wanted to show to everybody that expressed a doubt to his educational future that he was indeed worthy and he could do it. He was very persistent and proud you see.
And showed them he did. After three years of studying and sleepless nights, he manages to get a very good grade at the final tests and he is being admitted to a Math School. Oh he was very excited about that. Math was his favorite subject.
Well...after a year in Math School, he came to realize that Math the way it was being taught there wasn't at all the Math that he loved and had a passion about. Useless theories after useless theories that tried to prove what needed no proof. Now, to me this seems like a great waste of energy and thought process.
So, he decides one night to tell to his parents that he no longer wanted to attend the Math School and he would much prefer to dwell into the world of Computers and Information Systems...a passion of his since the days of elementary school. His parents were very understanding and with their help and his good grades, he was admitted in a College that there he could do what he loved the most. And he did brilliantly.
In 4 years he got his Bachelor in Information Systems and was accepted in the US for his Master's degree in Information Systems. What a joy that was!
First of all, he would be able to go to the land of technology and opportunity and second, he would finally get away from his parents...
Yes, things have started to get bad with them. You see...when you get to experience the Light...you never want to lose it. And it was right after Zadkiel started to make his own choices as a man, that the relationship between him and his parents started to go downhill. His parents always knew better...his parents wanted the best for him..his parents this..his parents that...well...ENOUGH!
The Land of the Free was his chance...and what a chance that was.
So, Zadkiel moves to the US and starts his studies in the University where the currents are strong and the valley is full of dreams...and Dutch people.
Dreams of staying in the US was always in his mind...he loved this country and everything that it represented.
And the time came to visit home for Christmas...and then and there everything changed...
It was his grandfather...right after Zadkiel left for the US, his grandfather had a stroke...his beloved grandfather...Zadkiel was shuttered...he found his grandfather recovering and being fairly ok and it was then that he remembered the tears that he saw on his grandfathers eyes the day before he left.
He felt responsible and his heart couldn't live with this burden...he loved his too much and he made the decision that after he finished in the US he would get back home immediately. His dreams of having a life in the US vanished with that decision. But he had no regrets...not when it came to this good hearted loving man he knew as his grandfather.
So, Zadkiel finished his studies with an excellent score...he left behind his love that was never meant to be and he moved back to his country hoping that God had a plan for him...a plan that involved happiness at some point...
Back in his country, he finds himself reunited with his family and seeing them happy made him happy too.
Zadkiel was all about happiness and love and he had plenty of both...but always in his mind was an unfulfilled yearning...to find happiness and love from someone else other than his family...this was very important to him..the most important thing one would say.
After an obligatory military service and a couple of jobs later, it seems that Zadkiel is in a good spot.
He finds a job that he likes and there he meets this sweet young girl that attracts him a lot.
Long story short...they get together..then break up..then together again...then break up...until Zadkiel decides that enough is enough...no more heart breaking for him. As if things weren't enough with the problems that he had with this girl, his parents started acting up again. With every attempt of independence from his side, a major fight would start with them. It was impossible for him to make them see that he has grown up...he was almost thirty years old and it's just not right for him to be staying with them and no woman would ever see him the way he wanted to be seen if that continues. Nothing really mattered...to their understanding Zadkiel didn't know what he was talking about...
Zadkiel decided that it was time to focus on him...on feeling better about himself and the way he was.
Yoga, meditation classes and getting back to his roots of Divine Energies within and without made a part of his every day life. He finally started to find himself again and life seemed promising once more.
And then...his grandmother is diagnosed with cancer...he tried to help her using the ways that he knew...but it was painful to him...every time he tried something, the effects of the illness were being passed on to him and this wasn't right...he got scared and he stopped...God help his soul but he couldn't help his grandmother any more. But as always...out of sadness there is hope. Zadkiel met this amazing woman...a woman from another country with a child...and he fell in love with her...really deeply in love..because you see, the more Zadkiel learned how to love himself the easier it became to love others. It felt like she was the one...they were perfect for each other and even though Zadkiel knew that his parents would never agree, he made another decision...that no matter what, he wouldn't put others this time before his happiness and the love he always dreamed about. Have this in your mind as you read on because it's the foundation of a love story and a turn point in his life.
Being in different countries, Zadkiel and Sarah start to communicate every day using the all helpful internet.
Every day she brought joy to his heart and seeing her beautiful face and the way she looked at him was more than one can describe in words. And as things go..she came to visit him...the awkward moments of meeting someone face to face for the first time...and everything was perfect...Zadkiel and Sarah after eleven days that they spend together knew for sure that they were right for each other. The wheels of fate were set in motion my dear friends...
In the meantime, his grandmother is going from bad to worse...there is now no hope where there was little...
And one beautiful April morning, four months after the diagnosis, his grandfather gets his second stroke...
This one is bad...he stays unconscious in the hospital for three days...Zadkiel spends every minute with him by his side...the doctors have no hope...but Zadkiel thinks differently. He puts his hand on the head of his grandfather and he brings Divine Light on him...because you see...not only his faith wasn't diminished with all the bad things that have happened...on the contrary...his faith grew stronger and he surrendered some time now his fate on the hands of his creator and real Father. And a miracle happened...the doctors said that his body started to heal his brain from the stroke..all by itself...no operation was done...But his grandfather was left this time with the side-effects of the stroke....it was very hard for him but Zadkiel was there by his side for all the days that he stayed in the hospital.
Can you get this image in your mind? His grandmother at home with cancer...throwing up this black liquid...and his grandfather in the hospital for his stroke...being left with only one side of his body being functional. Days pass and it's time for his grandfather to get home. By this time, his grandmother unable to eat and move, stays in his grandparents bedroom almost all day. So...a special bed for his grandfather in the living room and he is back home. Zadkiel wanted badly to see his beloved Sarah, so he decides to take a short trip to her country, to see her after 3 months had passed. He says goodbye to his grandmother and grandfather and they exchanged the usual words of meeting when he was coming back.
Zadkiel meets with his Sarah and everything seems ok once again. Two days later, he gets a call that his grandmother had died...she had just died. Her body couldn't take it any more...
Unable to leave right away, he gets back home a day after the funeral. He is devastated...filled with guilt and pain. He had just lost his second mother...
Zadkiel, being of strong will and knowing that his feelings for Sarah were true, he proposes to her that she should come and live with him. They would live in a country house that his family had and see what would come out of that. His family were all but happy about this...suddenly Sarah was the escape goat for everything bad that was happening to their lives. She became the materialized evil..she was responsible for everything...and of course Zadkiel was to blame for everything because he brought this Succubus among them. Nothing mattered for him. Zadkiel and Sarah lived together for that summer and a promise of a life together was being formed...but not for long. Zadkiel being the receiver of so much hatred, started to have doubts...and doubts turned into fear...and fear turned into selfishness and he decided that this couldn't be...and he told Sarah and Sarah was devastated. Zadkiel was laying on the ground broken and defeated....
Every day was a celebration of love, because although they both had in their minds that this would end, still the love they had for each was still there and was getting stronger with every touch..every kiss...every time they fell asleep in each others arms. And the days passed...the time that she would leave was getting closer and closer....and Zadkiel started to feel fear again...that kind of fear when you know that what you are doing is going against your own good...against the path that was paved for you and only you...what you wanted most, all your life.
Sarah left...they embraced and cried together...a cry of deep pain and agony...was that the end?
Zadkiel brought her the ring that he had got for her and gave it to her as a promise that he would do everything for them to be together and when this happened it would be forever.
Zadkiel had officially started his term in his own personal hell.
I would refer to myself from now on as Zadkiel..I like it and it fits the way I see myself...my true self.
Zadkiel is a 34 year old man. Well educated, with a Masters Degree in Information Systems from an accredited US university and a very promising future ahead of him.
Zadkiel was always very peculiar and in many ways he didn't fit with the extravagant, noisy, superficial people of his society. He always had more in his mind...he always felt connected to something Higher than himself.
The older of two children in his family, Zadkiel grew together with two loving but also harsh parents, grandparents, uncles and even great grandparents for the most part of his life.
Him and his brother were very much loved by everybody. But also everybody made sure that Zadkiel knew that he was loved the most...because he was the first. Just a note here to the readers of this blog...Zadkiel was very beautiful when he was born. White-Blond hair, hazel to green eyes, white skin...the picture of an angel fallen from heaven to the arms of his earthly mother.
Zadkiel remembered always that his mother was telling him that when she first hold him in her arms she called him "Star"...this always made great impression on him...made him feel special.
It was until much much later, at a different space and time in his life, that he found out that when his aunt saw him for the first time her first thought was that this child was not of this earth. But that's another story I guess that it's up to the Great Intelligence to judge if it will choose to unfold or not.
So, Zadkiel was very much loved and he loved back everybody he knew.
He always had a sense of Faith and Divinity that nobody could explain and he couldn't explain himself.
He just knew that it was there and he was happy about it.
What a double edged sword that proved to be...a blessing and a curse in countless occasions.
Zadkiel was like a beacon of light for the people around him...he had this gift to listen..really listen and be able to make people forgive and forget. He had the ability to make people feel better. He could make them open up. Take their loads away and carry a little bit of that load inside him until he was able to forget himself.
Years passed. Elementary school was a happy happy time. Zadkiel wasn't really fond of studying but he had an instinct for things. Elementary was good times for him.
Then Junior High came along. Zadkiel found it difficult to adjust at first because you know...he didn't like to study! Don't misjudge him...he LOVED knowledge. He was all about knowledge...just not the kind of knowledge they give to school. Zadkiel was peculiar even in this. He never liked anything without meaning or purpose. He never liked doing something just for the sake of doing it. Kind like the old Spartans I guess...few words but with meaning.
In Junior High Zadkiel was the eccentric child of the class...that eccentric child that everybody loves and hates at the same time. His fellow students would come to him to advice them about their dreams...to talk about anything..philosophy..the nature of things but not according to books but according to how Zadkiel perceived them. The teachers were interested in him and nobody seemed to be able to blame him for anything. He brought Light into their hearts, even though they didn't realize how this was done. It doesn't matter really...all that matters is the effect, not the cause.
So, after three years, Zadkiel finishes Junior High and finds him facing High School with much greater abilities than what he had three years before.
Now, you have to realize that Zadkiel was just "saving his energy" as he liked to call it for the "real" studying that High School presented for him. And so he did.
Zadkiel from an average student became one of the best. With real knowledge that came from very long hours of studying and understanding of what he was really studying. It helped also that he had a goal...a big one...he wanted to show to everybody that expressed a doubt to his educational future that he was indeed worthy and he could do it. He was very persistent and proud you see.
And showed them he did. After three years of studying and sleepless nights, he manages to get a very good grade at the final tests and he is being admitted to a Math School. Oh he was very excited about that. Math was his favorite subject.
Well...after a year in Math School, he came to realize that Math the way it was being taught there wasn't at all the Math that he loved and had a passion about. Useless theories after useless theories that tried to prove what needed no proof. Now, to me this seems like a great waste of energy and thought process.
So, he decides one night to tell to his parents that he no longer wanted to attend the Math School and he would much prefer to dwell into the world of Computers and Information Systems...a passion of his since the days of elementary school. His parents were very understanding and with their help and his good grades, he was admitted in a College that there he could do what he loved the most. And he did brilliantly.
In 4 years he got his Bachelor in Information Systems and was accepted in the US for his Master's degree in Information Systems. What a joy that was!
First of all, he would be able to go to the land of technology and opportunity and second, he would finally get away from his parents...
Yes, things have started to get bad with them. You see...when you get to experience the Light...you never want to lose it. And it was right after Zadkiel started to make his own choices as a man, that the relationship between him and his parents started to go downhill. His parents always knew better...his parents wanted the best for him..his parents this..his parents that...well...ENOUGH!
The Land of the Free was his chance...and what a chance that was.
So, Zadkiel moves to the US and starts his studies in the University where the currents are strong and the valley is full of dreams...and Dutch people.
Dreams of staying in the US was always in his mind...he loved this country and everything that it represented.
And the time came to visit home for Christmas...and then and there everything changed...
It was his grandfather...right after Zadkiel left for the US, his grandfather had a stroke...his beloved grandfather...Zadkiel was shuttered...he found his grandfather recovering and being fairly ok and it was then that he remembered the tears that he saw on his grandfathers eyes the day before he left.
He felt responsible and his heart couldn't live with this burden...he loved his too much and he made the decision that after he finished in the US he would get back home immediately. His dreams of having a life in the US vanished with that decision. But he had no regrets...not when it came to this good hearted loving man he knew as his grandfather.
So, Zadkiel finished his studies with an excellent score...he left behind his love that was never meant to be and he moved back to his country hoping that God had a plan for him...a plan that involved happiness at some point...
Back in his country, he finds himself reunited with his family and seeing them happy made him happy too.
Zadkiel was all about happiness and love and he had plenty of both...but always in his mind was an unfulfilled yearning...to find happiness and love from someone else other than his family...this was very important to him..the most important thing one would say.
After an obligatory military service and a couple of jobs later, it seems that Zadkiel is in a good spot.
He finds a job that he likes and there he meets this sweet young girl that attracts him a lot.
Long story short...they get together..then break up..then together again...then break up...until Zadkiel decides that enough is enough...no more heart breaking for him. As if things weren't enough with the problems that he had with this girl, his parents started acting up again. With every attempt of independence from his side, a major fight would start with them. It was impossible for him to make them see that he has grown up...he was almost thirty years old and it's just not right for him to be staying with them and no woman would ever see him the way he wanted to be seen if that continues. Nothing really mattered...to their understanding Zadkiel didn't know what he was talking about...
Zadkiel decided that it was time to focus on him...on feeling better about himself and the way he was.
Yoga, meditation classes and getting back to his roots of Divine Energies within and without made a part of his every day life. He finally started to find himself again and life seemed promising once more.
And then...his grandmother is diagnosed with cancer...he tried to help her using the ways that he knew...but it was painful to him...every time he tried something, the effects of the illness were being passed on to him and this wasn't right...he got scared and he stopped...God help his soul but he couldn't help his grandmother any more. But as always...out of sadness there is hope. Zadkiel met this amazing woman...a woman from another country with a child...and he fell in love with her...really deeply in love..because you see, the more Zadkiel learned how to love himself the easier it became to love others. It felt like she was the one...they were perfect for each other and even though Zadkiel knew that his parents would never agree, he made another decision...that no matter what, he wouldn't put others this time before his happiness and the love he always dreamed about. Have this in your mind as you read on because it's the foundation of a love story and a turn point in his life.
Being in different countries, Zadkiel and Sarah start to communicate every day using the all helpful internet.
Every day she brought joy to his heart and seeing her beautiful face and the way she looked at him was more than one can describe in words. And as things go..she came to visit him...the awkward moments of meeting someone face to face for the first time...and everything was perfect...Zadkiel and Sarah after eleven days that they spend together knew for sure that they were right for each other. The wheels of fate were set in motion my dear friends...
In the meantime, his grandmother is going from bad to worse...there is now no hope where there was little...
And one beautiful April morning, four months after the diagnosis, his grandfather gets his second stroke...
This one is bad...he stays unconscious in the hospital for three days...Zadkiel spends every minute with him by his side...the doctors have no hope...but Zadkiel thinks differently. He puts his hand on the head of his grandfather and he brings Divine Light on him...because you see...not only his faith wasn't diminished with all the bad things that have happened...on the contrary...his faith grew stronger and he surrendered some time now his fate on the hands of his creator and real Father. And a miracle happened...the doctors said that his body started to heal his brain from the stroke..all by itself...no operation was done...But his grandfather was left this time with the side-effects of the stroke....it was very hard for him but Zadkiel was there by his side for all the days that he stayed in the hospital.
Can you get this image in your mind? His grandmother at home with cancer...throwing up this black liquid...and his grandfather in the hospital for his stroke...being left with only one side of his body being functional. Days pass and it's time for his grandfather to get home. By this time, his grandmother unable to eat and move, stays in his grandparents bedroom almost all day. So...a special bed for his grandfather in the living room and he is back home. Zadkiel wanted badly to see his beloved Sarah, so he decides to take a short trip to her country, to see her after 3 months had passed. He says goodbye to his grandmother and grandfather and they exchanged the usual words of meeting when he was coming back.
Zadkiel meets with his Sarah and everything seems ok once again. Two days later, he gets a call that his grandmother had died...she had just died. Her body couldn't take it any more...
Unable to leave right away, he gets back home a day after the funeral. He is devastated...filled with guilt and pain. He had just lost his second mother...
Zadkiel, being of strong will and knowing that his feelings for Sarah were true, he proposes to her that she should come and live with him. They would live in a country house that his family had and see what would come out of that. His family were all but happy about this...suddenly Sarah was the escape goat for everything bad that was happening to their lives. She became the materialized evil..she was responsible for everything...and of course Zadkiel was to blame for everything because he brought this Succubus among them. Nothing mattered for him. Zadkiel and Sarah lived together for that summer and a promise of a life together was being formed...but not for long. Zadkiel being the receiver of so much hatred, started to have doubts...and doubts turned into fear...and fear turned into selfishness and he decided that this couldn't be...and he told Sarah and Sarah was devastated. Zadkiel was laying on the ground broken and defeated....
Every day was a celebration of love, because although they both had in their minds that this would end, still the love they had for each was still there and was getting stronger with every touch..every kiss...every time they fell asleep in each others arms. And the days passed...the time that she would leave was getting closer and closer....and Zadkiel started to feel fear again...that kind of fear when you know that what you are doing is going against your own good...against the path that was paved for you and only you...what you wanted most, all your life.
Sarah left...they embraced and cried together...a cry of deep pain and agony...was that the end?
Zadkiel brought her the ring that he had got for her and gave it to her as a promise that he would do everything for them to be together and when this happened it would be forever.
Zadkiel had officially started his term in his own personal hell.
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